It's been four years since Barry and I
brought Julia home and fifteen months since Amie and I came home with JT. The
other day we realized that we're right on the cusp of saying that life is
starting to feel a little more normal/smooth/relaxed.
Why am I sharing this thought? Well, in
the spirit of full disclosure these are the realities of adoption. We often
post about the accomplishments and the tender moments that warm our hearts. We
don't neglect to show the struggles out of dishonesty or hypocrisy. We just hold
the "real" close to our hearts, sometimes out of respect for the
children who are trying so hard to escape the demons of their past, and
sometimes out of shame because we lie awake at night regretting harsh words,
worrying about each child's adjustment to this new dynamic, and second-guessing
the way we handled things that day. But there is a time when it's important to
share the reality so that those who come behind us are not disillusioned or
blindsided once they bring their children home.
When you add a four and a six year old
to a family, there are a lot of variables to consider. The behaviors that
served a child well in an orphanage/foster care setting (lying, manipulation,
helplessness) really don't work well in family life. It takes much time and
patience to build character and a sense of secure belonging in a child, and
equal amounts of time to knit a family together.
Older siblings have a huge adjustment
when their parents' time and energy gets divided to include other children who
more than likely take a bigger portion than seems fair. Parental guilt runs
HIGH. There were many mornings this school year that tears streamed down my
face as I dropped my oldest off at high school knowing how few drop-offs I had
left, and grieving the one that was sabotaged by a younger sibling's emotional
outbursts and difficulties. Those times are hard! But God is molding and
shaping our older children and forcing them to live outside of themselves, even
if it is uncomfortable and frustrating at times. We've watched our older two go
through various stages as they acclimate to life with each new sibling- initial
acceptance/novelty, irritation, bitterness, seclusion, gradual inclusion,
intentional seeking out, genuine acceptance, and true sibling bond. It takes
time! As much as I would have loved for them to be instant siblings as if they
were biologically related, that's not how it has been for our family.
Our son recently got braces. We were told
that the normal time frame to keep them on was anywhere from 18 months to 3
years. In our case, we were probably looking at 2 1/2 years. That sounds like a
long time, especially to a boy who is already missing being able to chew gum
and eat popcorn! But the work of straightening teeth is not a fast work. It
happens gradually over time. As slight pressure is applied to the teeth, they
move into the positions that the orthodontist intends for them to take. About
the time they've moved a bit and are starting to feel
comfortable, it is time for more adjustments and discomfort. At the end of the
process, the result is a new look and a beautiful smile.
Adoption is similar to this. A family
adds a new child, and while the look is immediately different, over time the
shape of the family begins to change ever so slightly. There are times of
pressure and pain and times when things seem surprisingly normal. Gradually,
the initial bonding turns into secure attachment, and one day you realize that
the child that was grafted in has changed the shape of your family. Normal
takes on a whole new appearance. This beautiful new look didn't happen
overnight but changed over time.
"Virtual twinning" like we
did (adding a six year old when we already had a six year old) makes for some
mighty cute pictures, but the "what about me's?" and "me
too's!" can be overwhelming as you navigate making one child feel like
he's a part of things while making sure the other doesn't feel replaced.
Parenting two children coming from two different backgrounds with several years
of either abuse and neglect or indulgence and favor can make your head spin.
Realizing that these two did not have the benefits of character development
from the time they were babies and adjusting our expectations of them has been
key. How can we expect them to have a conscience or a sense of right and wrong
when it's never been ingrained in them? God's mercy is new every morning! We
cling to this promise as we adjust our parenting style from expectation to
gentle instruction. Over time, these children are feeling safe enough to tell
the truth the first time (or maybe the second or third). They're feeling secure
enough to put the needs of others before their own with the knowledge that
their needs will be met, too. They're learning what it really means to be part
of a family.
Raising a bio child is
like building a bridge out of popsicle sticks, taking one stick at a time and
securing it to another with glue until you build a work of art. When you adopt a 4 or 6 year old, rather than
starting one stick at a time, you start with a pile of sticks loosely formed
into a bridge, and the goal is to hold it together while you go back and glue
each piece, making adjustments without completely destroying the framework of
what is inherently there, to form an equally beautiful work of art. A daunting task, but a worthy challenge.
Creating a family through adoption
takes time- not just the time of the lengthy process to bring them home, but
the time required to knit hearts together in a sense of family. Our family is
still a major work in progress! To those who might be in some stage of the
adoption process, please know that the first six months (or maybe longer) could
be just survival and acclimation. It might be love at first sight and it might
not. We had about a year-long honeymoon period with Julia, and then the hard
stuff came along. With JT, it's been a different roller coaster from the
beginning. The bottom line, and why I feel compelled to share, is this-
adoption comes from brokenness. We live in a broken world. There is a lot of
HARD involved. There's also a lot of WONDERFUL and AMAZING! You can't go into
it with too many expectations. Everyone's story is different. God's grace is
sufficient.
Adoption is like taking random puzzle
pieces and trying to fit them into the empty spots in your own completely
different puzzle. Sometimes it's a perfect fit, but those pieces still change
the look of the overall picture. Sometimes it's not a great fit no matter how
much you cram. Those are the times when God has to restructure the puzzle in
order for the new pieces to fit as if they've always belonged there. (Ouch!) Either way, at the end of the day, the puzzle
does not look like the one on the front of the box. Sometimes you think about
that original picture, and the image might fill you with a twinge of nostalgia.
But then you realize the uniqueness of the new picture, and the old one seems
to be missing something. What seemed to be a forced merging of two different
puzzles has actually created an amazing work of art through the handiwork of
God.
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| Would we change a thing? Absolutely not! |
