Thursday, April 23, 2020

The Magic of a Timely Hug



Have you ever stumbled upon something so simple, yet so effective, that it just blew your mind? 

Well, we were sitting in the doctor’s office a few months ago discussing with her some behaviors we had been dealing with in our home. We told her about some of the methods we were implementing. She smiled kindly, and offered some advice: rather than doling out consequences or expressing frustration during a meltdown or tantrum, we should offer a hug. (Insert blank stare.) 
And if the child isn’t interested in a hug at that moment, she suggested we ask them to let us know when they would be ready to receive that hug, wait a few minutes, and try again. We nodded politely and smiled, but on the inside we were thinking, “Seriously?”

A few days later, one of our children was having a meltdown. In the middle of all the stomping and crying, I thought about the doctor’s words, so I said in a somewhat ridiculous, sing-songy voice, “I would like to give you a hug. Could I please have a hug?”
I think we both were a little surprised by those words, but she decided that yes, yes, she would like a hug. 
We had a good 20 second hug-  the kind that they say reduces blood pressure and lowers the stress level. Those 20 seconds changed the whole atmosphere in the room. She was no longer sulking and I was no longer angry. She calmly apologized and I forgave. 

And just like that, life moved on. 
No shame, no regret, just connection.

Not too many days later, we had another tantrum. 

Different child, different trigger, different level of destruction.

While we were in the thick of it, I remembered the wise doctor’s words. The best I could muster up in that moment was a flat, monotone voice, but I said, “I would like to give you a hug. Could I have a hug?” 
There was absolutely nothing inviting about my tone, so you can imagine the raise of my eyebrows when he reached out his arms and walked over to me for a hug. He was still too upset to hug his dad, but we asked if he could handle a high five (which he did), then a handshake, and then he was ready for that hug. Apologies followed and his once fuming heart was contrite.

Offering a hug is a form of connection that says:

“I choose you even when you're not acting like yourself.”

“You are precious.”
“I see you.” 
“You have a voice. When you speak, things happen.” 
“You are safe.”
“We belong together.”

What better time for a child to feel those words deeply than when they are at a high level of dysregulation?

Connection doesn’t always have to take the form of a hug. Recently, when frustration overflowed in our living room leading to a crumpled math paper, a walk outside together to refill the bird feeder saw that anger dissipate before we had gotten six steps out the door.

“I’m sorry, Mom. Math is just really hard sometimes.” 
“I know it is, buddy. Let’s just feed these birds and water some flowers, 
 and then we’ll go back inside and finish it up.”
“Okay, Mom.”

I have one more example because it actually happened today as I was writing this post. Our daughter was very unhappy at the prospect of having to clean her room. No matter the motivation or how the task was organized, she didn’t want anything to do with it. I was starting to get pretty aggravated with all the moaning and groaning floating down the stairs. Since the topic of intentional connection was literally at my fingertips, I asked my daughter to come downstairs and see me. She did, fully expecting to get in trouble. Instead I said, “It seems like you’re struggling with having to clean your room. Let’s have a hug.” She agreed and we hugged for 20 seconds. After this, she was ready to receive my suggestions of putting on music and starting with one small area at a time. A few minutes later, our upstairs was filled with the sounds of a closet being cleaned and a little girl’s duet with Lauren Daigle.

It seems a simple hug, given at just the right time, is like waving a magic wand over a situation turning it from ugly to beautiful.

Here’s the million-dollar secret I’ve found in all of this- intentionally seeking connection with my children during difficult moments not only helps them, but it helps me. It takes a complete mental shift for me to ask for that hug.

I wish I did it every time!

The results are undeniable, but my humanity often gets in the way and I respond in anger or with a need for control. When I ask for a hug in the middle of a conflict, the situation is usually diffused. 

As a bonus, I’m not left with a big load of mom-guilt. 


There is no shame like shame of a mom who says something in anger to her child. Trust me, I know. 

So as I’m learning to stop the flare-ups in their tracks by intentionally connecting with my children through a hug, I'm exchanging a heavy cloud of shame for the joy of self-restraint. It’s working out to be a win for all of us!